Reflections From the Past
More Will Be Revealed
A few months ago I agreed to lead a service on this date tentatively titled, “Dark Night of the Soul” and I had collected some poems and passages along the way that I thought might help me form this theme. But when we actually got to the planning stages of developing this service, I felt like I had nothing to say about “Dark Night of the Soul.” In fact, I didn’t have much to say about anything. I was feeling depressed, but it wasn’t a “Dark Night of the Soul” kind of depression. Rather, I felt like a lot was happening inside me but it was best if I didn’t talk about it, resist it, or try to change my mood. It was best if I didn’t try to describe what I was feeling or why I was feeling it. I recognized intuitively that I should refrain from trying to name it and define it and then give a reflection on what it is I had experienced or was presently experiencing. Intuitively, my sense was that I needed to be quiet. I need to let the process unveil itself.
I think all of us go through times when we need to shut down and quiet ourselves because something is happening, growing, changing within us. So instead of giving a reflection on what it is that is spiritually unfolding, I decided all I could really talk about was the process of unfolding, the process of being as still as I can be until more is revealed. And while this thing- this new change or insight (or whatever it is) is in the process of becoming, I have three choices: I can fight it; I can try to force it to unfold faster; or I can trust the process and let more be revealed in the space and time it needs to emerge.
That’s what I’ve been trying to do this time with mixed success: trust the process without analyzing, defining, forcing, fixing, trying to control, manage or steer my internal life and the world around me. That’s what I usually do. I always feel like I have to be in charge of my internal life somehow, that my vigilance will help things along, that I can control the outcome, the pain or lack thereof. This process of change is often uncomfortable and my first reaction is to cut down on the discomfort in whichever way I can. I read books looking for answers, I make lists, I talk about it, I try to manage how I’m feeling, I try to steer my moods, I try to force myself to do things I’m just now ready or able to do. But that’s usually counter productive and doesn’t help the unfolding process.
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