The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life
The task of leading a kinder, more compassionate life is not easy. Karen Armstrong, who is spear heading the Charter For Global Compassion, remarked during an interview with Bill Moyers, that compassion requires daily discipline. While it seems almost automatic to be kind and compassionate towards those we love, extending those same feelings towards those we do not like much less love, is another matter. Perhaps this is why all the major religions agree on the necessity of practicing the golden rule: do unto others as you would have done unto you or, love thy neighbor as thyself, or do not do to others what you would not want done to you. To examine what kindness and compassion contribute towards relationships and to the wider world, we must first look at what is transformed within each of us through these practices. And to do that we must also look at what they are not.
Kindness is not false. I took me years to convince my children of this. When my oldest son was in grade school, I used to make him peanut butter and honey sandwiches for lunch. One day I picked him up early because he was not feeling well, and as we were leaving the school we stopped by his locker for his homework books. When he opened his locker, and this is not exaggeration, there was at least a 12″ deep pile of mashed paper bags with former peanut butter and honey sandwiches. I asked Geoff, why he’d never told me he no longer liked peanut butter and honey sandwiches, if in fact he ever did. He said, “Well, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.” To which I responded, “Well how many more of these sandwiches do you want to get?
I realized that he had a lot to learn about truth, and what it means to truly spare someone’s feelings. And if he couldn’t be truthful about little things like sandwiches, what would he do with the big things? Growing up in a military family, as I had, being truthful was a highly valued quality. I was already noticing that this value was not well supported either at Geoff’s school or in our neighborhood. The proverbial “little white lie” was trotted out all too often, and my son had learned that it covered a multitude of sticky situations.
Of course, this is a two way street. If children are made to feel bad or guilty at expressing their true emotions, they may think they have no choice but to deny their real feelings or tell those “little white lies.” So we need to find a way for honesty and compassion to coexist even if at times it feels uncomfortable or embarrassing.
During our last service Michele spoke about the effects of stress on our bodies and that it causes Cortisol to be released. Cortisol is the “fight or flight” hormone released during times of fear and stress. Did you know that, lying creates enough stress in our bodies to trigger Cortisol release, and that lie-detector machines work by measuring the physical effects of Cortisol-how much more we sweat and how much our heart rate, blood pressure, and muscle tension increases when we lie? The bigger or more emotional the lie, the more stress we create for ourselves.
Did you know that brain scans reveal a rather complex series of cerebral activities that must be carried out when we lie-all of which is unnecessary when we are just being honest. These changes in our physical bodies can also be measured when we cannot forgive, when we deny support and when we block understanding. In short, when we are not compassionate we are hurting ourselves as well as others.
Now back to those sandwiches-had Geoff been honest with me he probably would have said something like, “I hate everything you make me for lunch and I just want to be like the other kids and buy pizza and french fries.” I doubt that Geoff was really afraid of hurting my feelings, as much as he was of having to listen to one of my lectures on the high fat and carbohydrate content, and poor quality protein in school lunches, making them not only unhealthy but also a waste of money. Rather than face that music, he would just tell a little “white lie.”
You may wonder why I would focus on something as mundane as school lunch. But this was the first thing that bubbled up from memory as I began writing this reflection, and I guess it still troubles me. It isn’t always the big things that cause the most pain, Sometimes it is the accumulation of a lot of little things that become a heavy burden. I remember covering the “honesty” ground over and over again, with both my sons, trying to convince them of how much damage you do to a relationship when you lie. You create distance and diminish real intimacy. The Aztecs believed that everyone is born without a face and that we must win our faces bit by bit as we grow.
Kindness is not found in isolation. Emotional touching is just as important to our health and survival as physical touch is. Yet our culture actually fosters isolation, as adults in our individual work cubicles or in competition with coworkers; as children with our cyber worlds and space books rather than actually playing with other kids, and at home with everyone in their own room and own worlds rather than being together as a family. Then we comfort ourselves, by opening up a frozen meal or can of soup that is “just like Mom used to make”, or that “tastes homemade,” or “that’s a’ more” just so that we can feel care for and cared about.
I often felt disconnected as a child, not because of the internet but because as a military family we moved a lot. I was so desirous and determined to connect with the kids in my new surroundings that I adopted a behavior of watching the kids in my new neighborhood and school for hints about how to fit in. I thought that I could avoid a lot of embarrassing revelations about myself by doing that. If things went well, great! If they didn’t well it wouldn’t be too long before we would be moving again, and I could start over.
This type of hiding behavior is really hard to break because it is deceptive on so many levels. It allowed me to think that it is easier for everyone else to make the effort of getting to know me, rather than visa versa. It fostered revealing only those things about myself that I thought would be liked. And it caused me to let others draw very wrong conclusions about who I really was when their misconceptions were more flattering that the truth.
As I grew older I realized how much harder I had made the task of self-discovery and love of self. This chameleon-like behavior left me without a solid foundation for finding my authentic self. I lived with years of doubt about whether or not I was good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, deserving enough to find the courage to be my authentic self. Why would this be important? I didn’t fully understand it then, but I do now. We have each uniquely created to be present in the world in a way that only we can be. And all of our unique abilities contributes to and completes the whole of humanity and God’s presence in the world.
So finally, I realized that honesty is the only bedrock upon which to build a life of real intimacy and self-awareness. And then I learned to trust my gut. When I felt at peace I was being my true self. When I was not being completely honest I would get an unmistakable visceral red flag. Only then could I start the journey that has led me here. Joyce Meyer said in one of her televised programs, that each of our journeys is made up of steps. And each step is a decision we make.
So the heart of kindness and compassion must be truth and genuine connection. Thich Nhat Hanh said this about authentic, loving, non-judgmental relationships:
I write poetry with my right hand-many beautiful poems. My right hand doesn’t think less of my left hand because it can’t write these poems. Now let’s say that I am hammering in a nail and I miss the nail and hit my left hand. My left hand doesn’t say, right hand you hurt me very badly. I must get even. Give me the hammer! My hands know that they are part of the same whole and my right hand would cover the left hand tenderly and show care for the injury created. And my left hand would accept and appreciate that care.
I like to think that as we come in contact with each other we sort of bump up against each other. And with each touch comes the possibility that I will rub off on you a little and you will rub off on me. And as we continue making those contacts I begin to see more of myself in you, and you see more of yourself in me. As we continue the space between you and me, between the idea of “me” and “not me” narrows until the only a sliver of space remains. And in that space is God’s grace, the Universal Spirit. And there we find that we are indeed one, and that what we do to each other we do indeed do for ourselves.
Confucius said to practice compassion all day and every day. You’ll constantly have to dethrone yourself and put the focus on the other. And you’ll recognize that even in the most unlikely candidate there is still a trace of the divine.
My focus for this service came from a yearning for healing in the world. We have all been buffeted by the dishonest, uncaring deeds of a relatively few individuals, who caused great global harm, disconnection and fear. It is time for the people of the world to come together as a whole, not as disconnected countries, cultures and faiths. When we can be open to compassionate caring and genuine connections the world can heal. It is time for compassion and repair.
