What’s My Core Message
What is the difference between beliefs and values? Some say that beliefs are ideas taken on trust, often when we are very young. In fact some researchers say that our basic beliefs are formed by the time we are five years old. If this is true then much of what we believe comes from those closest to us-family and friends. And it comes at a time when we have very little in the way of life experience with which to test these ideas. We just accept and assimilate them.
Values, on the other hand, are those ideas that are shaped by our life experience. Sometimes our beliefs and values are in harmony, and sometimes they are so disharmonious that we have to work really hard to reconcile them or we have to change them. I certainly do not have the same beliefs now that I did in my twenties. Things were far more black and white for me then, because I had less life experience to create all the shades of gray. As I have gotten older many of the absolutes I held have given way to the reality that life is not so simple and neither is the human heart.
I started writing this reflection by asking myself questions about what I really believed. Questions like is it really possible to be right? And how much does being right really matter? There was a time when I believed that there truly was a “right” way of thinking and behaving. I thought that the way to become the best person I could be was to find that “right” path. With time and many more life lessons under my belt I have discovered just how impossible it is to take such a proprietary stance on the notion of “rightness.” Because there have been times when I have thought I was right and had the very best of intentions and still had things turn out badly. Recently I had dinner with an old friend, and as we were talking she told a story involving a labor and delivery nurse who had a traumatizing experience, when she was asked to assist in an abortion.
My friend has years of experience in delivering babies and in NICU, and I began asking questions like, what could have been done differently and what would you have done in that situation? Well, she absolutely bristled at my questions, I think because she felt that what I was really questioning was her judgement and assessment of the situation. She thought that I was trying to make her wrong. What I wanted was the benefit of her knowledge and experience. I was trying to get where she was and understand her truth.
Because I know that my values are both shaped and limited by my life experiences. And if all we can ever know is our personal truth where does that leave us? For me it comes down to finding common ground. Being able to see enough of myself in “the other” that feeling threatened or wrong gives way to generosity of spirit. Ultimately, it’s not even about agreeing. It’s about being able to stand in another’s shoes and walk around in them long enough to get a glimpse of the world as they see it. And having the benefit of more eyes to see with than just your own can truly be illuminating and expansive.
Another question I asked myself was, am I really open to hearing both sides of an issue? All of you with children know that getting them to hold themselves accountable for their actions can be a real challenge. It took me far too long, however, to discover that I really needed to hear my son’s side of things because I was sometimes in such a hurry to deal with a situation that I didn’t give him time to really explain. And if he thought I was really angry with him, Adam would just take his punishment and not talk at all. How many of you have had a situation where you were told about your child’s behavior by another child, or a teacher, and you assumed that it must be true. “Yes, that sounds just like him.” And you mentally passed judgement before you ever heard your child’s side of the story. I thank God that Adam is as forgiving as he is because I really wasn’t open to hearing his side of the story. Sometimes it would be years before I finally heard his side of the story and realized just how wrong I had been. I would feel terrible. And I would start to apologize and Adam would be so gracious. He’s say, “It’s OK Mom, I know you didn’t understand, or you were just tired, or you were really busy.” But it never felt OK, then or now.
Our focus may be on sides of political issues right now, but we have an opportunity every day to be open to hearing our families and friends. And if we filter everything that we see, and hear, and experience for only those that validate what we already believe, we loose the opportunity for showing those we care most about compassion and love. When we focus on our differences or those things we do not agree with or believe in, we create distance between us. And the more distance we create the easier it is to make “the other” wrong. So it’s important to focus on our connections with those we love, who love and support us, because it’s through these connections that we overcome our sorrows and fears and find reasons to celebrate.
I also asked myself whether or not I believed that there was enough abundance to go around or did I need to protect my piece of pie from being taken away from me? And for that matter what should I have a right to and what should I have to earn? If you had asked me about abundance 6 months ago, I would have been a strong advocate for the belief that there is enough food and resources for everyone in the world and no one should be without the dignity of adequate food and shelter. The current financial crisis has tested that belief. And I have found myself asking is there still enough for all of us? It has been quite honestly both frightening and distressing. Many of my clients have expressed concerns about their retirement accounts and the security of their jobs because their companies are downsizing. I hear the fear in their voices, even as they try to put up a brave front. And all I can really do is listen and be reminded that we are all in this together. I pray that people will continue to feel that they can be generous in spirit, even if they cannot be generous with goods and money.
I am no longer angry about what is happening, or who is to blame, for our current financial crisis. I only know that we have to support each other through it, and I am reminded of the quote, “Victory goes not to the swift or the strong, but to he who endures to the end.” Part of being able to endure is having a strong core, really knowing what you believe in and care about, and why.
During the campaigning for the presidential election, we have heard proprietary stances on God and country, racial innuendo, character smears and fear mongering. Some would say that this is the nature of politics. But once we have made our choice on November 4th, we are going to have to come together as a people to get through all that we face as a nation, and that will take all the generosity of spirit that we can muster. Colin Powell reminded us recently that it is “our unity and our diversity” that makes us strong, as a nation and a people. Jesus instructed us to love God and to love one another. Reaching for understanding can be that first step.
