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Everyday Graces

I like to think that moments of grace are available to us all, all the time, if we are open to them. Grace requires no effort other than an open heart and our presence. These holy moments, which so often come unbidden and in such ordinary trappings, can make the difference between just another day passing and a day that leaves us filled with hope, gratitude, and the belief that our journeys are inextricably connected and bound by love.

I am a big fan of Marianne Williamson, because she makes me think and examine my own life and what I think I believe. Her message about grace is that through grace we can find another perspective; one that allows us to look at situation or a person differently. As I reflected on her message I was reminded of situations where my whole opinion shifted because of a single piece of new information or because of a new or different connection with the person involved. In those instances the facts didn’t change but I did. I remembered too hearing a sermon about repentance, and that the root word came from the Greek ‘mentanoia’ meaning, “change of thought.” It should be an easy thing to change your mind or revise your position, but so often we get caught up in wanting to be right, or wanting to please others, or not wanting to admit that we don’t know as much as we thought we did. It is precisely these aspects of our ego which make us so human and so in need of the light that grace brings.

A case in point was when I was listening to the Congressional hearings with the three big auto giants and their bid for government money to forestall bankruptcy. I had such a negative impression, initially, as I listened to Congress grill the auto executives about their mismanagement, their failure to design and produce economical cars, and their excessive accommodations to the auto unions, not to mention their own salaries. Why not let them suffer the consequences of their greed and mismanagement I asked myself? But then I heard Mitch Album, author of Tuesdays With Morrie, on “Charlie Rose.” Mitch lives in and loves Detroit. He spoke about how they looked at what was happening in Washington. He said that as, “Congress was giving a ‘beat down’ to these auto executives we felt like, they were really talking about us-our jobs, our families, and our children’s’ future. People forget that Detroit was once the fourth largest city in the US, and that the auto industry helped to define a big part of the fabric of America. The unions, of which Washington is now so critical, helped to build the middle class in this country. And we are proud of that. People may think that it’s just Detroit that this is happening to, but we are only the first city. And we will not be the last. It could happen anywhere. So don’t treat us like we’re gum on the bottom of your shoe. We are part of this country and we’re just asking for some help.”

Talk about a change of perspective and heart. As I listened to Mitch, I was so moved that it caught me by surprise. When I was looking to blame, there was plenty of it to spread around. But as Marianne Williamson says, judgement blocks the light. When grace comes in, judgement is suspended and your heart is opened to a change of thought. It didn’t take much to begin to empathize with those Detroiters. We are relatively sheltered in this area from the financial meltdown that is causing millions of Americans to lose their jobs, their homes, and their healthcare. Those Detroit families could be our families. And if they were our families we would want help too.

I am tired of politics, the blame games, and finger pointing, exercises on Capitol Hill. In their quiet moments, I hope our country’s leaders can come together and acknowledge that this is where we all are, and how badly we need those moments of grace for the courage to suspend judgement and partisan politics in order to be inspired in the search for solutions.

When times are good, finding generosity of spirit is easy. It is when times are not so good-when everything is so uncertain for so many that we need moments of grace to stay connected with God and each other. As I look for moments of grace and inspiration, it is the basic needs in life which become so precious-family, friends, food, shelter, love.

When I was growing up life was so much simpler. My family was a military family, and we spend most of my childhood in base housing surrounded by government issue furniture, just like every other family I knew. What distinguished us from one another was not our stuff, but our thoughts, our character, our family culture. While none of us had a lot of stuff, we had each other. And even as a child I knew that I was truly fortunate, because my family was happy. We enjoyed having dinner together in the evening, and spent a lot of time at the dinner table catching up on each other’s day. Just the memories of those evenings being surrounded by the loving embrace of family, has sustained me far into my adulthood. Those dinners were holy moments, and they continue to be so even now as I relive those warm memories.

As a mother, I have tried to recreate some of what I had growing up for my children. When they were young, my kids found family gatherings inconvenient and boring. But now that they are adults they see the value of family. They not only look forward to family gatherings but they often ask to include their friends. We make a big production out of it, with all of us in the kitchen cooking, setting the table, and mainly hovering over the stove. These everyday activities can be the most grace filled moments because they are opportunities for us to reconnect to God and those we most love in new and surprising ways. I see the young men my sons have become and they see me not just as their mother, but as an equal, a friend, and a mentor.

On a personal level, recognizing a moment of grace is almost always done in retrospect because while I am in it, I lose my sense of ‘self’. I am so connected with the person, or that inspiration, or that piece of music, or that view of nature, that on some level the ‘I’ part of me disappears. It’s total absorption. And paradoxically, when I regain my sense of self and do become aware that I’ve had a grace-filled moment I feel more expansive-more compassionate, more understanding, more joyful, more excited about life. This expansive feeling, I believe, is but a tiny reflection of the expansiveness of the collective spirit. It’s enough of a taste that I am always left wanting more.

And I am still amazed at how effortless it is, even though I know that grace is a gift. I cannot make it happen, or hone it in any way. I only need to recognize that we are all vessels for the collective spirit, and when we are open to it, God’s love, peace and understanding will flow to and through us.

So I’ve learned that in my work and in my relationships, if I want rewarding and happy results I need to approach them with the desire for grace to enter in. When I see a patient thinking only about what I know this patient needs medically I won’t have the positive experience I do when I leave my agenda and judgement at the door and enter only with a desire to be of service. I don’t have to persuade I just need to encourage, listen, and let the process unfold. I can be fully present and truly of service when I take the ‘me’ out of the equation.

With my friends, moments of grace come often in the form of how we are mirrors for each other. Most of us think of ourselves in a certain way, and we believe that this is what we show the world. But so often I have discovered that my friends don’t see some of their most wonderful qualities, and most especially how much joy and comfort they give me. When I can be a mirror for them as the loving, kind, creative, generous, intelligent, and strong people they are to me, I need to do so.

I have only ever had one friend who was totally happy with herself. Fada isn’t hedonistic. She’s just really content with who she’s becoming. And to be perfectly honest, when I was first getting to know her, I thought there was something very wrong with her. I kept watching her and thinking she can’t be for real. She must be taking Valium. I just could not believe that anyone could be so happy all the time. Obviously I was not being a very nice mirror at that point. Eventually I realized that she was one of those rare individuals who truly exude bliss. That is who she is. Our friendship grew because of the strength of her commitment to becoming my friend, and her ability to forgive almost anything.

Most of us do need loving friends to mirror what we are showing to the world-both the good and the not so good. It’s one of the most reliable checks we have on how our insides relate to our outsides. To allow us to see ourselves as the world sees us. It’s one of the most truthful and loving gifts we can give each other. It takes grace to be that honest with anyone you really care about, and want to continue having a relationship with. And it is through grace that we can hear it and recognize that it is being said with love.

Moments of grace are so multifaceted. They are both a gift and a challenge. The gift is the opportunity for greater understanding of the big picture and ultimately ourselves. The challenge is embracing the opportunity and running it all the way out.

Paul Shoffeitt summed things up very well in his reflection entitled “Holy Moments” when he wrote, “If Journeys Community has a philosophical underpinning it is simply this: Life, all of it, is a spiritual journey. God, the great defining spirit, permeates all of life. And the simple pleasures and everyday moments, even the difficult and challenging moments, are our opportunities to be part of the collective spirit, to be caught up in the arms of love. Such moments provide us our opportunity to find our relevance.”

This entry was posted on Monday, January 19th, 2009 and is filed under Everyday Graces. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response or Trackback from your own site.